Her
by TakeItAndRun
Summary: He wished he could see her, if only to remind himself who she was. MC/V. Warnings in author's notes.


**Author's Notes** : This was inspired by my friend, who commented that a V smut fic would be "interesting." She probably didn't expect for it to be so angsty, but hey, it's V.

Some notes:

-This takes place in an AU where V is a romance option from the get-go (WHERE'S MY V AND UNKNOWN ROUTE CHERITZ). They also managed to save Saeran, because I say so.

-Italicized female pronouns refer to Rika, normal font female pronouns refer to main character.

-I purposely avoided giving MC a name.

-I'm on day 10 of Jaehee's route, so I haven't fully unlocked V's tragic backstory (TM). If he seems to be OOC, that's the reason why.

-That's also my excuse if Rika is OOC.

-Rika raping V isn't necessarily my headcanon, and it probably didn't happen in canon. However, from what info I know about her, it wouldn't surprise me if their sex life was...not exactly kosher.

-I don't hate Rika. Please don't crucify me, Rika fans.

-I'm still rusty at writing smut. I tried my best, though, and that's what matters.

-I love V and he doesn't deserve what I put him through. Dude needs a hug.

-In case you couldn't tell, **this story has an oral sex scene and discusses rape. If this makes you uncomfortable, please don't continue reading.**

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He wished he could see her.

He remembered looking at the pictures Luciel forwarded to him, pictures of a young woman with long brown hair and bangs that covered her eyes. The pictures weren't anything fancy—they mostly comprised of selfies that she took during the day and posted onto social media websites. Still, she had a bright, beaming smile (so similar to how _she_ would smile) in every picture, and it was clear that she was a pretty girl.

V had to strain his eyes to see those pictures; now, he couldn't see anything at all. "It's like staring into a bottomless pit," he had told her one day, and he was able to feel her pitying gaze on him. He did not want her pity; he had already received enough of it when Mint Eye was dissolved, when they had rescued Saeran and when _she_ was sent to a mental facility. The truth came out, about the things _she_ did to him (though not everything that _she_ did), and he can still remember holding her as she sobbed into his chest, telling him that he deserved so much more out of life. V did not have the heart to tell her that she was wrong.

He wished that the reason why he wanted to see her was romantic. It would be easier to say it out loud, perhaps. To tell her that he wanted to wake up every morning and see her face, or that he wanted to watch her in absolute adoration as she went through her day, or that he wanted to see what she looked like when they made love...all of those statements, though sappy, were relatively less humiliating than the _real_ reason why he wanted to see her.

V wanted to see her because he was afraid—because whenever they held hands, kissed, or had sex, he couldn't help but be reminded of _her._

It was unfair, and he knew it. It wasn't fair that she had a boyfriend who would flinch when he was kissed, who would recoil whenever her hugs took him by surprise, who would freeze when her hand rubbed his crotch through his pants. She deserved so much more then him—a blind man who couldn't save his old girlfriend from her own mind, a man that nearly destroyed the life of his friend's innocent brother, a man who almost ruined the company he co-founded. A man who was so pathetic that he would cling onto the person that made his life hell, someone who belittled him, beat him, blinded him, violated him…

He had no idea why she wanted to stay. Yet, she insisted on staying by his side. It made him feel guilty, but at the same time, it wasn't...unpleasant. She made him feel emotions that he hadn't felt in a long time, like hope, love, and happiness. It was terrifying, but he felt more alive than he had in years.

XXXXXXXXX

It always started like this, with frantic kisses and falling on the bed. He couldn't see her, but he was able to feel her—the soft material of her shirt, the way her breasts pressed against his chest, and the bangs that she had to brush out of her way in irritation kept him grounded, reminding him of who was kissing him.

Then she pulled away and started leaving wet, hungry kisses on his neck, pawing at the bulge in his pants with one of her hands, and it suddenly wasn't her anymore, it was _her._ He froze, then went limp. Thoughts of _oh God what did I do please don't do this I'm sorry I won't do it again I love you please please please stop_ ran through his head, and he found that it was difficult to breath.

"...V? V? Sweetheart, are you alright?"

And with those words, everything went back to normal. The hand on his crotch disappeared, as did the lips on his neck, and he was able to remember where he was. He inhaled shakily. _It's fine. I'm fine. She's not here. I'm safe._ Despite that, he still flinched a bit when a gentle hand stroked his cheek.

"Y... Yeah," V said, giving what he hoped was his most reassuring smile, "I'm fine, hon."

"Are you sure? We can stop whenever you want." She didn't sound convinced. He wanted to laugh— _she_ never asked if he wanted to stop.

"Don't worry, I'm sure." His smile was a bit more genuine this time. "It's just...can I put my hand in your hair?" He realized how that sounded and backtracked a bit. "I-I mean, I don't want to pull it! Sorry, I just like how your hair feels and I thought…" _It would help me remember that you aren't her._

He was interrupted by a laugh. "Of course, V. I trust you." He heard her hesitate. "...Is it okay if I suck you off?"

V could _feel_ himself blushing. One of the (many) downsides of being blind was that he couldn't actually see her during sex, so he had to rely on touch and sound to get an idea of what was going on. To make him more comfortable, his partner had insisted on announcing what she was going to do, so that he wasn't taken by surprise. While it was embarrassing, it was...nice, in a way.

"Yeah. Please."

He heard her laugh again. "So polite. Alright, sit up, let me rearrange your pillows."

"That I can do." He sat up and shuffled forward, feeling for his pillow. Once he found it, he placed it against the headboard and settled against it. "Ready when you are." He pulled his knees up and spread his legs, exposing the bulge more fully.

She giggled again; the weight against his body lifted, signaling that she was getting up. The next time he felt her was when she settled between his legs and unzipped his pants. He held his breath when he felt her reaching into his boxers.

"You okay?" It was a question that she often asked during moments like these. He nodded in response. That didn't stop him from tensing slightly when she pulled his dick out, memories of it being handled by a crueler hand flashing through his mind. She repeated the question again, sounding a bit more worried.

"I'm fine. You just surprised me." He said.

"Okay…you'll tell me if you want to stop, right?" He hated that he caused her to worry about him like this. He didn't vocalize it, merely nodding. "Great. Remember to hold onto my hair, okay? I'll take care of you."

That's when she started licking the tip of his cock. It was gentle—it always started out gentle, because _she_ never did it gently. He groaned slightly and used one hand to feel around for her head; she paused, giggled, and gently took his wrist and placed it on the top of her head before resuming her work.

This time, she went further; V felt the head of his cock being enveloped by her warm mouth, and _oh god_ this was one of the only times he was grateful for his heightened senses. She enjoyed teasing him, however, and inched down slowly; when she finally got to having half of the dick in her mouth, she paused and laved at the spot with her tongue.

V tilted his head back with a groan. _Oh god, oh god…_

That's when the amazing warmth around his dick disappeared. He made a surprised sound, causing her to giggle. She didn't make him beg, not like _she_ did—his cock was in her mouth again soon afterwards. This time, she went at a quicker pace, bobbing her head up and down, taking in as much as she was able.

It was like paradise—not like the one _she_ spoke of, not like the one Saeran rambled about in his maddened, brainwashed state, but a _real_ paradise. A paradise as soft and warm as her mouth, where it was only the two of them, where their troubles had melted away. In this paradise, he was safe; she wouldn't dream of biting down on his cock or slapping his balls until he was crying in pain, because that wasn't how she showed love. The love she showed towards V was gentle, as gentle as the way she moved her mouth up and down his dick, as sweet as the moans she was making as she sucked.

He didn't deserve it. And yet, he did.

V felt her hand coming up to fondle his balls. He gasped and couldn't help bucking his hips. She made a surprised noise but held on, even going down until she reached the hilt.

"O-oh god-! I'm going to-!" He tried to warn her, but she merely hummed and gave a hard suck.

That was what pushed him over the edge, and if her mouth was paradise, then coming was the highest form of Nirvana he could ever reach. He cried out her name, as if it was a prayer, and if he was able to see, he would had seen white. Perhaps it was strange to compare his orgasm to a religious experience, but it seemed fitting. _An awakening,_ he thought, and he would had laughed if he was in his usual state of mind.

He went boneless after that, sinking against his pillow. He felt her crawl into his lap, and her arms wrapped around his neck. This time, he felt no fear when she kissed him, too sated from his climax to really care at that point. The kiss tasted like semen, and it occurred to him that he was tasting himself, but it didn't matter. He felt warm. Happy. _Loved_. It was strange, but he never wanted to stop feeling like that.

She broke the kiss and nuzzled her cheek against his neck. " _Fuck,_ that was hot, baby." Her voice was hoarse with arousal.

V chuckled at that. "Do you want me to return the favor?"

" _God_ , yes."

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It was only after they were both satisfied and settled down when he spoke about it. He couldn't explain _why_ he brought it up—he had a feeling that she had already guessed what had happened—but he felt compelled to say it. As if he would finally be free if it was out in the open.

"She didn't care if I said no." His voice was soft, but he knew she heard him.

V felt her shift next to him, probably to look up. "What?" She asked. He could hear the beginnings of concern creep into her voice.

"Rika." He said, then paused. "She...wouldn't stop if I didn't want it."

V heard her gasp. "Oh my God…"

He continued talking. He had no idea why, though—it was as if a gate had opened, releasing everything that he wanted to say all this time. "I thought it was my fault, at first. She would tell me that I deserved it, and I... had no reason not to believe her. She said that she did it because my soul needed to be "cleansed" or because I needed to "repent." And in a strange way...I thought she was right. I failed to get her help, I tried to prove my love to her by going blind, I allowed her to start that damn cult, I did nothing when she brainwashed Saeren, I lied to the RFA...and so many people were hurt because of everything that I didn't do. So I... just let her do it. Even though it was always painful for me…"

He stopped when he heard sniffling next to him. "Ah...I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it-"

He was interrupted by her flinging her arms around his neck, hugging him fiercely. It startled him, but he had a feeling it would happen. All he could do was rub her back soothingly as he felt her hot tears on his skin. He felt guilty for bringing it up, but at the same time...he felt strangely calm, as if a weight was lifted.

She mumbled something, and he had to strain to hear her.

"Don't—don't _ever_ listen to her bullshit, okay?" He felt her pull away, and he knew she was looking at him with a fierce expression. "You did _nothing_ to deserve it. I know that's what she told you, and I know you don't have the best opinion of yourself, but _none of it_ was your fault. You're the kindest, bravest, smartest, most _amazing_ man I have ever met, and you deserve so much better, okay? I promise that I'll _never_ hurt you, V, and especially not like that."

He felt a lump raise in his throat. He didn't know if he believed her—he probably won't for a long time—but to hear her speak so passionately about it and tell him that he did nothing wrong…

V held his arms out; she understood what he wanted immediately, and gave him a huge hug.

"Thank you." He said, his voice hoarse. "Thank you."


End file.
